-
The
light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
Sure,
you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.
If
you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals!
Rome
did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those
who opposed them.
A
person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.
Abandon
all hope, ye who enter here!
We
make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!
2
days without a Human Rights Violation!
Never
put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Never
quit until you have another job.
The
beatings will continue until morale improves.
If
you can read this, you're not working!
Hang
in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
Work
- it isn't just for sleeping anymore.
There
are two kinds of people in life: people who like their jobs, and people who don't
work here anymore.
-
60 Californians
put on sweaters (if they can find one in their wardrobe).
50
Miami residents turn on the heat.
40
You can see your breath. Californians shiver uncontrollably. Minnesotans go swimming.
35 Italian
cars don't start.
32
Water freezes.
30
You plan your vacation to Australia. Minnesotans put on T-shirts. Politicians
begin to worry about the homeless. British cars don't start.
25
Boston water freezes. Californians weep pitiably. Minnesotans eat ice cream. Canadians
go swimming.
20
You can hear your breath. Politicians begin to talk about the homeless. New York
City water freezes. Miami residents plan vacation further south.
15
French cars don't start. You plan a vacation in Mexico. Cat insists on sleeping
in your bed with you.
10
Too cold to ski. You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5
You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don't start.
0
Alaskans put on T-shirts. Too cold to skate.
-10
German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.
-15
You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans stick tongue on
metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.
-20
Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you. Politicians actually do something
about the homeless. Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.
-25
Too cold to think. You need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30
You plan a two week hot bath. The Mighty Monongahela freezes. Swedish cars don't
start.
-40
Californians disappear Minnesotans button top button Canadians put on sweaters
Your car helps you plan your trip south.
-50
Congressional hot air freeze Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80
Hell freezes over Polar bears move south.
-90
Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
Organized Mafia: Crime
Network
As
a cure for worrying, work is better than whiskey.- -- Thomas A. Edison
The longer you're part of the corporate work force, the more
humorous this area becomes. Best Things
to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk...
"They told
me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This
is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you
sent me."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the
White-Out You probably got here just in time!"
"I
wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new
paradigm."
"I was testing my keyboard for drool
resistance."
"I was doing Yoga exercises to
relieve work-related stress."
"Damn! Why did
you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"The coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone
must've put decaf in the wrong pot..."
" ...
in Jesus' name. Amen."
You know you work in Corporate
America in the 90's if...
You sat at the same desk
for 4 years and worked for three different companies.
You worked for the same company for 4 years and sat at more than 10 different
desks.
You've been in the same job for 4 years and have
had 10 different managers.
You order your business cards
in "half orders" instead of whole boxes.
When
someone asks about what you do for a living, you can't explain it in one sentence.
You get really excited about a 2% pay raise.
You use acronyms
in your sentences.
Your biggest loss from a system crash
is that you lose your best jokes.
You sit in a cubicle
smaller than your bedroom closet.
It's dark when you drive
to and from work.
Fun is when issues are assigned to someone
else.
The word "opportunity" makes you shiver
in fear.
You see a good looking person and know it is
a visitor.
Free food left over from meetings is your main
staple.
Weekends are those days your significant other
makes you stay home.
Being sick is defined as can't walk
or you're in the hospital.
Art involves a white board.
You're already late on the assignment you just got.
Dilbert
cartoons hang outside every cube and are read by your co-workers only.
Your boss' favorite lines are "when you get a few minutes" or "when
you're freed up".
You read this entire list and
understood it.
Redneck House Alarm
Extreme
sport
No more work
at home
-
Oxymorons:
Act naturally
Microsoft
Works
Found missing
Resident
alien
Minor Catastrophe
Affordable
housing
Near miss
Great depression
United
nations
Advanced BASIC
Genuine imitation
Death
benefits
Airline Food
Good
grief
Same difference
Almost exactly
Everything
except
Sanitary landfill
Alone
together
Legally drunk
Silent scream
Living
dead
Small crowd
Business ethics
Soft
rock
Software documentation
New
classic
Sweet sorrow
Synthetic
natural gas
Passive aggressive
Taped
live
Clearly misunderstood
Peace
force
Extinct Life
Temporary tax
increase
New and improved
Computer
jock
Plastic glasses
Terribly pleased
Computer
security
Tight slacks
Definite
maybe
Pretty ugly
Twelve-ounce pound
cake
Diet ice cream
Working
vacation
Exact estimate
Freezer
Burn
_________________________________________________________________________________________